From our very own tabloid, THE DAILY MALICE
(Should anybody be in any doubt, the following is satire. It is not real. The article parodies the prurient yet condemnatory tone taken by the "right wing" press in discussing what they consider to be non-conformist status or behaviours)
It’s a Camberwell cock up in more ways than one for Christian Detective Agency RORCO and their recent Head Office relocation.
(Should anybody be in any doubt, the following is satire. It is not real. The article parodies the prurient yet condemnatory tone taken by the "right wing" press in discussing what they consider to be non-conformist status or behaviours)
It’s a Camberwell cock up in more ways than one for Christian Detective Agency RORCO and their recent Head Office relocation.
Not only have the dozy detectives
relocated to the “Westside” Camberwell neighbourhood of South Central
London where detectives of any kind are banned & hunted by police-hating
drug gangs.
But also the very street that now hosts
respectable RORCO is a hotspot of gay prostitution going back
hundreds of years. Which is a little,
well …
… Queer.
RORCO
– A QUEER OLD COCK-UP
There’s certainly nowt as queer as
the folk of John Ruskin Street of SE5, who rarely use the words “cock”
and “up” in the same sentence without meaning one thing we’d rather not
talk about.
(So don’t “arse” us about that.)
Instead, ask RORCO rivals PEPAC,
the erstwhile Top Boys of neighbouring “Eastside” Camberwell.
PEPAC have triumphantly confirmed that “when
it comes to gay sex (which it almost invariably does in West Camberwell), John
Ruskin Street is what you might call the ‘Mother Load’ of the South
London Cock Trade.”
STREETNAME
SLIP FOR SLEUTH-FUL SPOOKS
Lazy RORCO planners failed to spot that the John Ruskin’
in “John Ruskin Street” is a modern-day corruption of the phrase Victorians
used when they meant looking for gay sex (metered and gratis).
”John buskin’” or “busking
for a John” is what they have always done in this grubby pocket of West Camberwell.
And so it wasn’t just John
Ruskin Street that got fingered in the naming stakes —streets just yards
from RORCO Headquarters bear, to this day, the distinctive stain
of a sticky Cock Trade history:
You still won’t fail to find a
male on adjoining ”Dale Road.”
And there’s still something big
& hard for you on nearby ”Cook’s Road.”
But if you’re looking for
a “Camberwell Carrot” be warned: there’s an Eastside version that’s long, thin
& used for smoking, and a Westside version that’s long, thin &
used for, well …
… Poking.
Other men.
RORCO
– STILL GAY
“We have no interest in
men,” said a spokesman from red-faced RORCO today, “And, anyway, John
Ruskin Street is more Oval than anything, which is known for its cricket — in
which, we hasten to add, we also have no interest.”
RORCO may have smashed the shit-stabber
slur for six.
Fair play to ‘em.
But you and I know — the
only game RORCO are interested in is the one where it’s fair play to
play with a man’s balls.
And that’s simply not
cricket at all.
