Tuesday, February 11, 2020

Mow Down Met

London Police Chiefs to shoot dead own officers who make arrests

Following the news today that a police marksman has been summarily arrested for shooting dead a suspect, the Met has announced that in future any officer found to have arrested a suspect will be summarily shot dead himself by other officers, who will themselves then be arrested by any other policemen still alive or out of jail.

(In line with police tradition, the new policy discounts female police officers altogether.)

"We are not sure that we have any marksmen left outside of custody to carry out the mass shootings we anticipate," a senior officer said in a press conference, "but this new policy is certainly in line with our cretinous strategy of ruining the lives of our own people for doing precisely what they're told. In this we have taken our cue from the British Army.

Asked by one incredulous journalist whether the Met had spotted the potential for an "immediate and exponential explosion of arrests and killings", the senior officer replied, "look, there is one thing the Police certainly don't do - and that's 'immediate.'  As for "exponential", that sounds like maths, so you'll have to ask the Numbers & Counting Officer at your local Nick.  And as for "explosion", that identifies you as a terrorist, which means you will be nicked.  But not by me."

A resigned-looking representative from the police workers union revealed that the arrest-and-die policy would "make fuck all difference to morale" because "police morale dived irretrievably with the Equality Act of 2010 and flatlined altogether a week ago when they said our tasers couldn't be made to look more like lightsabers in line with the new Star Wars film."

Monday, February 10, 2020

Police Overtime Leak

click the pic to see it properly

Officials - "No Time" For Time-Saving Idea

From our very own tabloid, THE DAILY MALICE

A POTTY PLAN FROM THE PROVINCES to give day-trippers extra shopping time in London by “bending Time” was probably not even read before being BINNED as “TIME-WASTING TOSS” by stressed City officials.

That’s the colourful verdict of our anonymous source at the Mayor's Office, who says that colleagues in Senior Management “are as BOLLOXED FOR TIME as everybody else in the Smoke” and don’t hold back when it comes to cutting loose “SCI-FI BUMPKIN BULLSHIT cooked up to congest Zone 1 to buggery.”

The hefty strategy document was presented by county consumer experts IN PERSON.

But our source insists that “soon as” it would have been greeted with “the usual ONE-FINGERED FAST-TRACK to the NEVER-ENDING FILING CABINET IN THE SKY.”

And even if over-stretched officials had reviewed details of the plan, warns our source, they would have “laughed all the way to the King’s Head” at the idea the document summarises as “somehow using Science [sic]” to “MAKE THE CLOCKS RUN SLOWER in areas of London that out-of-towners use.”

The document argues that day-trippers would enjoy more time in “big shops like Harrods” and “get away quickly from rail stations” thanks to "a SPECIAL SYSTEM Stephen Hawking could sell to Dragon’s Den that works a bit like Wi-Fi and beams scientific instructions into the very FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE under Oxford Street."

Taxis are excluded from the transport details “because judging by their fares, London taxi drivers have already cracked the problem of somehow making clocks run slower than the rest of the country.” 

A spokesman we managed to track down in somewhere we’d never heard of said that the experts behind the plan have “REACTED CALMLY” to the news that bungling bureaucrats had probably lost their vital paperwork.

“Not that it matters anyway because it was only a STUPID IDEA,” said the spokesman, “but we haven’t got a copy either because the photocopier’s broken and the WORK-EXPERIENCE GIRL who knows how to work the type-writer screens [sic] isn’t in again till after her GCSEs.”

Devious Diggers Demand ISIS Bounty

Members of The Association of Reluctant Groundworkers (ARG!) have staked a claim to a UK government reward for information on terror activity.

The sharp-eyed shovellers say they have unearthed a dedicated ISIS fibre optic line whilst excavating outside a suburban house in provincial Milton Keynes.

An ARG! spokesman said, “we know it is a ISIS cable because it is red, which is the colour for danger. Also, the people in the house denied everything when we questioned them at spade-point, which is what you’d expect from terrorists.”

But bods from the Electricity Board say the “ISIS terror feed” is actually a standard 16mm Basec-approved armoured mains cable with "millions of homes having them."

And angry Health & Safety officials have slammed “dangerous working conditions” at the ARG! site: 

"We asked one lackey what he thought of ‘Safety First’– and he replied that he’d never heard them, but maybe his daughter had them 'on her MP5 thing'."

"And as for the ruptured gas main pictured – it was described to us as a 'fucked nuclear power socket' which was acceptable, we were assured, because ‘everybody knows nuclear is safe energy, even if it does come from France’.”

In response to the criticism, ARG! has announced an indefinite national strike to run concurrently with its other indefinite national strike announced on Monday (in response to it being “a bit cold”).

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Leaked ARG! email to Front! ad agency

to: ian.edwards@frontadvertising.co.uk
from: theboyz@arg.co.uk

Dear ian from Front! Advertising,

uve got some front that's for sure u thieving c**ts.

How in fuck's name did it cost 20 grand CASH for you to change a singel word of our name?

wel uve probly forgotten all about us with all the posh skirt you're pounding, so let us remind you:

We were the Association of Reluctant Groundworkers.

some of the lads were a bit uncomfortable with the prison reference there.  Association may be a hilite when you're on the In, but when you're on the Out, fair play, you don't want to be reminded, do you?   (not that you'd know, you've got to be paying the governmant to stay out of jail with those fees its daylite fucking robbery

So, thanks to ur speical London magic, we are now the Academy of Reluctant Groundworkers.

We could have come up with that in teabreak.

The lads have come up with a lot of things in teabreak actualy, and one of ther ideas was to pitch up at your offices with a grab lorry and drop ten ton of hardcore from a shitty soakaway in ur fancy reception.

We will definitely do this if you do not either pay us back OR swap jobs with all of us for a month (skirt and salary included).

You need some time on the mixer, son, 2 get ur priorities straiht.


All best wishes, the ARG! lads.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Have You Got What It Takes To Join ARG!?

The Academy of Reluctant Groundworkers (ARG!) has introduced a tough selection questionnaire for potential new members.

Have you got what it takes to join our merry band of idle navvies? 

Take the multiple-choice test below and find out, choosing only one answer to each question.

1) What is the most important piece of kit onsite?
a) The client’s 18yr old daughter.
b) The radio.
c) The accident book.
d) The digging tools.
e) The broom.

2) What is “The Academy”?
a) Where I was thrown out of on Saturday night for exposing my bollocks on the dancefloor.
b) Who cares?  It's breakfast in ten minutes.
c) There are many academies – I do not understand the question.
d) The “Academy of Reluctant Groundworkers” – of course!
e) Sorry mate, pass us that shovel, will you?  

3) Digging holes is …
a) For the new lad.
b) Better than stopping indoors all day looking at the patio I haven't finished.
c) Time-intensive, though entirely necessary and – on a manual basis - very rewarding.
d) Fun!
e) All about technique.

4) Me knowing the difference between a mains gas pipe and a mains water pipe …
a)  Is not why your wife fucks me every Wednesday night.
b)  Doesn’t matter when you stick a spade through either of them.
c) Is critical in the event of an emergency.
d) A matter of what colour it is.
e) Is not what I’m paid for.

5) “Lets get stoned up and then fuck off for breakfast.”
     What is wrong with this sentence?
a) Nothing. And, by the way lads, who else can skin up a T-joint?
b) It means get "this" stoned up - ie. lay and whack a stone bed ready for concreting.
c) Nothing – if you are looking to get fired immediately.  
d) I don’t know but it sounds cool.
e) Can you ask me again at lunch? I'm a bit busy, mate.

6) You get your work done …
a) If, by some chance, every pub within 20 miles is shut. 
b) Whilst talking about something else.
c) Because you’re paid to.  
d) And then have the craic with the lads!
e) In the morning.

7) Health & Safety is …
a) A load of bollocks, mate.
b) Sorry, I’ve done my ears in earlier on the breaker – got to go and sweep up now, bye.
c) Expensive to account for and difficult to enforce.
d) Yeah, really annoying with loads of notices up everywhere.
e) Not the end of the world.

8) If I wasn’t doing groundworks, I’d be …
a) Doing your wife, like I said.
b) Out of a job.
c) Looking to diversify my skills base.
d) Totally devastated.
e) Doing something else.

9) My personal goal at work is …
a) To see if I can beat my previous record of drinking 12 pints of Stella and then cutting a straight              line with the steel saw into the roof of the gaffer’s Navara.
b) To "bring about the circumstances necessary to trigger a indefinite, paid strike."
c) More of a vision I have to admit – to reflect the acceptable face of the British building industry.
d) To get stuck in but joke around too.
e) To have a single day when I never have to move anything big twice.

10) What is “loose”?
a) Ha, ha – back to your wife, eh?
b) The handle on the Kango, now you mention it.
c) Yet another thing I can name but never actually go near - Type 1, shingle etc or excavated material.
d) Loads of things, right?
e) Stuff that needs moving usually.

Mostly As:    You would fit in quite well, but you sound a bit gobby.  We already have a few gobby ones, so you would threaten the cosy – yet delicate - group dynamic that is our most cherished consolation in an otherwise brutal occupation.  Perhaps they’ll be more impressed by your attempts to be funny at a crap youth club somewhere - possibly abroad, where they won't understand what you're saying.
Mostly Bs:    Congratulations!  If you are not one of us already (who has learnt to read) – then you are now.  Critically, you've shown that you recognise the need to get on, but would generally rather not. Welcome to the Academy of Reluctant Groundworkers!
Mostly Cs:    You sound like Head Office. Are you the one we found wanking in the car on a site visit that time?  Whatever, kindly remember that ARG! was founded by the lads for the lads.  Go back to dying slowly in front of a computer writing things that nobody reads.
Mostly Ds:    You were the one at school who we used to give wedgies to.  You are a nice bloke, but must learn that offering enthusiastic conformity in many social groups (including ours) decidedly secures exclusion rather than acceptance; you are still, in other words, too much of a bitch-pissing Try-Hard. The answer is still no – you can’t join our gang.

Mostly Es:    You have excellent labouring instincts. So what do you want with us?

Monday, February 3, 2020

Wankered John's Taxonomy of Capitalism

Look guys, when I say "Taxonomy" I'm not talking about stuffing dead animals.

There's an idea floating round the Media Construct right now that drug cartels represent the system of capitalism in its purest form.

A clever guy has introduced this idea in a book. And it's doing very well. So capitalism is working for him at least.

I just wanted to toss my penny's worth into the pot:

Capitalism isn't a system, dude - it's just a bunch of people who've lost their sense of humour:

A PUNTER – who pays for something to happen

A CHIEF – who demands that something happen

A FIXER – who creates the conditions under which something can happen

AN ANALYST  who describes how something might happen

A BLAGGER – who promises that something will happen at some point if only they are given the right amount of cash

A MINION - who actually makes something happen

An ARTIST - who tells the truth about what does happen

A COMEDIAN - who tells the truth about what does happen by describing what might happen


The list goes on.  Where do you fit in?  Where do I fit in, man?

I'd like to pretend I'm a Minion. But I'm not going to lie to myself.

I'd say then I was a cross between an Analyst and a Blagger, but that would make me a politician - so throw that idea in a muddy ditch and call it roadkill.

I'll have to settle for being a Nobody.

I'm outside the System.

You can't taxonomize my species, dude.  Let's face it, you can't even tax me.