Ministry of Defence to drop dancefloor bombs

The Ministry of Defence is to cease all military activity from next week and rebrand as nightclub chain the "Ministry of Dance."

A spokesman said today that a series of "defeats, cut-backs and cock-ups" lay behind the mooted move into the global entertainment industry.

"We've lost hands-down in Afghanistan, we can't afford the costumes the Americans get and two weeks ago we managed to accidentally fire a missile at point blank range into our own nuclear dockyard - the time has come to throw in the towel and make some money instead."  Said General Cornelius Waddington-Smythe of little-known regiment, the Rangoon & Rutland Rangers.

"The final nail in the coffin," added Waddington-Smythe, "is the prospect of going up against Team Putin in the near future.  The last time we were in that neck of the woods was the Crimean War, during which we invented both Florence Nightingale and Sharpe, but they were about the only plus-points in an otherwise miserable and frankly bloody-freezing affair."

The military unveiled plans to convert existing bases across Europe - and larger vessels of the Royal Navy - into dance music mega-venues. 

"Bureaucratic inefficiency and a staggering lack of imagination will continue to characterize our brand offering," Waddington-Smythe affirmed. "They say that war involves long periods of utter boredom punctuated by brief episodes of absolute terror, and we are confident we can re-create that within the nightclub environment using our existing entertainment 'expertise' and some spare grenades we've managed to put to one side." 

The cost of the business re-structuring, including the re-training of staff to be DJs, doormen & in-house drug dealers, is expected to be covered by the sale of arms to countries in the Middle East & Africa (no change there then_ED)

Waddington-Smythe was quick to assure a shocked press conference that, "in line with centuries of military tradition, staff with a natural aptitude for the task in hand will be fired immediately and replaced with chaps we know from school."   

The SAS, the UK's elite special forces unit, is to be retained intact and stationed on the Falkland Islands indefinitely "as a final fuck-you very much to the Argies."


COMMENT:

The British Army sucks.  B4 the US uv A invented eelectrisity ur tanks ran on steam power douchebags my brother was in Seal Team Six and sez if it wasnt 4 us England wouldnt b the Capital of Europe.