Happy Christmas from PEPAC - The Provincial Emergency Powerpoint Adjustment Centre!

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What Your Cat Is Trying To Tell You ...

Wankered John plea: "Leave the Police alone"

It is all too easy to lambast the Police.  But making generalisations about any group is dangerous, particularly when that group is authorised to carry batons.  

But batons are not the point.  The point is that the need to condemn, to pass judgement, on any civic body is - although understandable - indicative of insecurity on the part of the condemner.

A friend once told me, "look to thine own shit before you hassle me about mine."  

And he was right.

Leave the Police alone.  They are the necessary enforcement adjunct of most forms of government.  They often deserve criticism.  But they often deserve praise.

Get your own shit together and you won't feel that you need to strike out (often unfairly) at a force you perceive to be more powerful than yourself.

OPERATION "PROBABLY"

Its not difficult to tell where the "real" journalism ends and the FITH Take on this story begins.  

But both Interpol & the Guardian deserve a kicking here for using the word "probably" in relation to anything involving massive loss of human life.  Get a grip.

Plane search shifts to Malacca Strait

LIVE Interpol says disappearance probably not linked to terrorism amid psychological probe into background of passengers and crew

A spokesman from lead psychological consultants PEPAC Probe! of Louisiana, US, said, "we probably went with some profiling bullshit we picked up off Silence of the Lambs and threw in some ten-dollar words for good measure - but hell, for all we know, someone took a 5-day shit in this aeroplane and put a hole the size of a 'gator through the fuselage."

Interpol confirmed that Operation Probably would continue to rely on the indolent speculation of overpaid retards from America's least-favoured state.  A spokesman said, "this is probably less work than going on Woogle* to see if anybody has found the plane, which is what we thought of first.  We have suggested that other people look in the area of the "Malacca Strait" because we know for a fact that this is not actually a place, but a cocktail they do in Barcelona."

* Web + Google = "Woogle"

PEPAC Rival RORCO Reveals New Logo

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Tabs or Tabata?

Baffled boffins from PEPAC Science Department can’t decide which is better for smoking expert Principal Smith – fags or high-intensity physical exercise.

And ONE HAS TO GO, vowed Principal Smith today from his Smoking Training Camp at PEPAC Thailand offices in Bangkok.

“My smoking regime is specialized and sensitive - but I blow it with shameful orgies of high-intensity interval training,” admits the angst-ridden roll-up merchant: “It’s insulting to myself and all the work I’ve put in with complex carcinogens over the years.”

Would-be warrior and champion chugger Smith recently hit provincial headlines by renouncing his Moreton-in-Minge heritage and cockily claiming to be a countryman of kick-boxing Thailand.

But now all eyes are on how the tar-taming Fag-Meister deals with a potentially fatal body blow to his career in compulsive nicotine ingestion.

Kick-boxing “Tabata” is a concentrated form of exercise cooked up by slitty-eyed scientists from abroad to deliver a dangerous dose of stimulation. Martial-art junkies on the street – where Tabata has ended up - think it’s cool. But Smith targets trendy Tabata as an Asian Axe-wound in the side of his smoking programme.

“That Tabata shit FUBARs my smoking like you wouldn't believe.” Says Smith.

With smoking proven by PEPAC scientists to balance Kinespheric Chakra Auras and improve all fighting skills, it is unlikely that Smith, 20 year-pro of the smoking circuit, will be torn from his tabs any time soon.

“Colourful computer graphics have proven the clear health benefits of smoking. There is too the known-to-be-totally-proven fact that smoking offers a great example to children and impressionable minions.” Says Smith. “On the other hand, everybody thinks Tabata is cool, and we’ve all had a moment of thinking that. But, To Tabata, Just Say No.”

Principal Smith believes the brutal cage contest in his head between tabs and Tabata will be decided when he faces his debut amateur smoking bout.

“I will know 30 seconds into the first round whether I should have faced my demons and given up Tabata.” Warns Smith.

Street Shafting For Roving RORCO

From our very own tabloid, THE DAILY MALICE
(Should anybody be in any doubt, the following is satire. It is not real.  The article parodies the prurient yet condemnatory tone taken by the "right wing" press in discussing what they consider to be non-conformist status or behaviours)


It’s a Camberwell cock up in more ways than one for Christian Detective Agency RORCO and their recent Head Office relocation.

Not only have the dozy detectives relocated to the “Westside” Camberwell neighbourhood of South Central London where detectives of any kind are banned & hunted by police-hating drug gangs.

But also the very street that now hosts respectable RORCO is a hotspot of gay prostitution going back hundreds of years.  Which is a little, well …

… Queer.

RORCO – A QUEER OLD COCK-UP

There’s certainly nowt as queer as the folk of John Ruskin Street of SE5, who rarely use the words “cock” and “up” in the same sentence without meaning one thing we’d rather not talk about.

(So don’t “arse” us about that.)

Instead, ask RORCO rivals PEPAC, the erstwhile Top Boys of neighbouring “Eastside” Camberwell.

PEPAC have triumphantly confirmed that “when it comes to gay sex (which it almost invariably does in West Camberwell), John Ruskin Street is what you might call the ‘Mother Load’ of the South London Cock Trade.”

STREETNAME SLIP FOR SLEUTH-FUL SPOOKS

Lazy RORCO planners failed to spot that the John Ruskin’ in “John Ruskin Street” is a modern-day corruption of the phrase Victorians used when they meant looking for gay sex (metered and gratis).

”John buskin’” or “busking for a John” is what they have always done in this grubby pocket of West Camberwell. 

And so it wasn’t just John Ruskin Street that got fingered in the naming stakes —streets just yards from RORCO Headquarters bear, to this day, the distinctive stain of a sticky Cock Trade history:

You still won’t fail to find a male on adjoining ”Dale Road.”

And there’s still something big & hard for you on nearby ”Cook’s Road.”

But if you’re looking for a “Camberwell Carrot” be warned: there’s an Eastside version that’s long, thin & used for smoking, and a Westside version that’s long, thin & used for, well …

… Poking. 

Other men.

RORCO – STILL GAY

“We have no interest in men,” said a spokesman from red-faced RORCO today, “And, anyway, John Ruskin Street is more Oval than anything, which is known for its cricket — in which, we hasten to add, we also have no interest.”

RORCO may have smashed the shit-stabber slur for six.

Fair play to ‘em.

But you and I know — the only game RORCO are interested in is the one where it’s fair play to play with a man’s balls.

And that’s simply not cricket at all.

PEPAC rivals: RORCO

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