Mow Down Met

London Police Chiefs to shoot dead own officers who make arrests

Following the news today that a police marksman has been summarily arrested for shooting dead a suspect, the Met has announced that in future any officer found to have arrested a suspect will be summarily shot dead himself by other officers, who will themselves then be arrested by any other policemen still alive or out of jail.

(In line with police tradition, the new policy discounts female police officers altogether.)

"We are not sure that we have any marksmen left outside of custody to carry out the mass shootings we anticipate," a senior officer said in a press conference, "but this new policy is certainly in line with our cretinous strategy of ruining the lives of our own people for doing precisely what they're told. In this we have taken our cue from the British Army.”

Asked by one incredulous journalist whether the Met had spotted the potential for an "immediate and exponential explosion of arrests and killings", the senior officer replied, "look, there is one thing the Police certainly don't do - and that's 'immediate.'  As for "exponential", that sounds like maths, so you'll have to ask the Numbers & Counting Officer at your local Nick.  And as for "explosion", that identifies you as a terrorist, which means you will be nicked.  But not by me."

A resigned-looking representative from the police workers union revealed that the arrest-and-die policy would "make fuck all difference to morale" because "police morale dived irretrievably with the Equality Act of 2010 and flatlined altogether a week ago when they said our tasers couldn't be made to look more like lightsabers in line with the new Star Wars film."

Officials - "No Time" For Time-Saving Idea

From our very own tabloid, THE DAILY MALICE

A POTTY PLAN FROM THE PROVINCES to give day-trippers extra shopping time in London by “bending Time” was probably not even read before being BINNED as “TIME-WASTING TOSS” by stressed City officials.

That’s the colourful verdict of our anonymous source at the Mayor's Office, who says that colleagues in Senior Management “are as BOLLOXED FOR TIME as everybody else in the Smoke” and don’t hold back when it comes to cutting loose “SCI-FI BUMPKIN BULLSHIT cooked up to congest Zone 1 to buggery.”

The hefty strategy document was presented by county consumer experts IN PERSON.

But our source insists that “soon as” it would have been greeted with “the usual ONE-FINGERED FAST-TRACK to the NEVER-ENDING FILING CABINET IN THE SKY.”

And even if over-stretched officials had reviewed details of the plan, warns our source, they would have “laughed all the way to the King’s Head” at the idea the document summarises as “somehow using Science [sic]” to “MAKE THE CLOCKS RUN SLOWER in areas of London that out-of-towners use.”

The document argues that day-trippers would enjoy more time in “big shops like Harrods” and “get away quickly from rail stations” thanks to "a SPECIAL SYSTEM Stephen Hawking could sell to Dragon’s Den that works a bit like Wi-Fi and beams scientific instructions into the very FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE under Oxford Street."

Taxis are excluded from the transport details “because judging by their fares, London taxi drivers have already cracked the problem of somehow making clocks run slower than the rest of the country.” 

A spokesman we managed to track down in somewhere we’d never heard of said that the experts behind the plan have “REACTED CALMLY” to the news that bungling bureaucrats had probably lost their vital paperwork.

“Not that it matters anyway because it was only a STUPID IDEA,” said the spokesman, “but we haven’t got a copy either because the photocopier’s broken and the WORK-EXPERIENCE GIRL who knows how to work the type-writer screens [sic] isn’t in again till after her GCSEs.”

Devious Diggers Demand ISIS Bounty

Members of The Association of Reluctant Groundworkers (ARG!) have staked a claim to a UK government reward for information on terror activity.

The sharp-eyed shovellers say they have unearthed a dedicated ISIS fibre optic line whilst excavating outside a suburban house in provincial Milton Keynes.

An ARG! spokesman said, “we know it is a ISIS cable because it is red, which is the colour for danger. Also, the people in the house denied everything when we questioned them at spade-point, which is what you’d expect from terrorists.”

But bods from the Electricity Board say the “ISIS terror feed” is actually a standard 16mm Basec-approved armoured mains cable with "millions of homes having them."

And angry Health & Safety officials have slammed “dangerous working conditions” at the ARG! site: 

"We asked one lackey what he thought of ‘Safety First’– and he replied that he’d never heard them, but maybe his daughter had them 'on her MP5 thing'."

"And as for the ruptured gas main pictured – it was described to us as a 'fucked nuclear power socket' which was acceptable, we were assured, because ‘everybody knows nuclear is safe energy, even if it does come from France’.”

In response to the criticism, ARG! has announced an indefinite national strike to run concurrently with its other indefinite national strike announced on Monday (in response to it being “a bit cold”).

Street Shafting For Roving RORCO

From our very own tabloid, THE DAILY MALICE
(Should anybody be in any doubt, the following is satire. It is not real.  The article parodies the prurient yet condemnatory tone taken by the "right wing" press in discussing what they consider to be non-conformist status or behaviours)


It’s a Camberwell cock up in more ways than one for Christian Detective Agency RORCO and their recent Head Office relocation.

Not only have the dozy detectives relocated to the “Westside” Camberwell neighbourhood of South Central London where detectives of any kind are banned & hunted by police-hating drug gangs.

But also the very street that now hosts respectable RORCO is a hotspot of gay prostitution going back hundreds of years.  Which is a little, well …

… Queer.

RORCO – A QUEER OLD COCK-UP

There’s certainly nowt as queer as the folk of John Ruskin Street of SE5, who rarely use the words “cock” and “up” in the same sentence without meaning one thing we’d rather not talk about.

(So don’t “arse” us about that.)

Instead, ask RORCO rivals PEPAC, the erstwhile Top Boys of neighbouring “Eastside” Camberwell.

PEPAC have triumphantly confirmed that “when it comes to gay sex (which it almost invariably does in West Camberwell), John Ruskin Street is what you might call the ‘Mother Load’ of the South London Cock Trade.”

STREETNAME SLIP FOR SLEUTH-FUL SPOOKS

Lazy RORCO planners failed to spot that the John Ruskin’ in “John Ruskin Street” is a modern-day corruption of the phrase Victorians used when they meant looking for gay sex (metered and gratis).

”John buskin’” or “busking for a John” is what they have always done in this grubby pocket of West Camberwell. 

And so it wasn’t just John Ruskin Street that got fingered in the naming stakes —streets just yards from RORCO Headquarters bear, to this day, the distinctive stain of a sticky Cock Trade history:

You still won’t fail to find a male on adjoining ”Dale Road.”

And there’s still something big & hard for you on nearby ”Cook’s Road.”

But if you’re looking for a “Camberwell Carrot” be warned: there’s an Eastside version that’s long, thin & used for smoking, and a Westside version that’s long, thin & used for, well …

… Poking. 

Other men.

RORCO – STILL GAY

“We have no interest in men,” said a spokesman from red-faced RORCO today, “And, anyway, John Ruskin Street is more Oval than anything, which is known for its cricket — in which, we hasten to add, we also have no interest.”

RORCO may have smashed the shit-stabber slur for six.

Fair play to ‘em.

But you and I know — the only game RORCO are interested in is the one where it’s fair play to play with a man’s balls.

And that’s simply not cricket at all.