Officials - "No Time" For Time-Saving Idea

From our very own tabloid, THE DAILY MALICE

A POTTY PLAN FROM THE PROVINCES to give day-trippers extra shopping time in London by “bending Time” was probably not even read before being BINNED as “TIME-WASTING TOSS” by stressed City officials.

That’s the colourful verdict of our anonymous source at the Mayor's Office, who says that colleagues in Senior Management “are as BOLLOXED FOR TIME as everybody else in the Smoke” and don’t hold back when it comes to cutting loose “SCI-FI BUMPKIN BULLSHIT cooked up to congest Zone 1 to buggery.”

The hefty strategy document was presented by county consumer experts IN PERSON.

But our source insists that “soon as” it would have been greeted with “the usual ONE-FINGERED FAST-TRACK to the NEVER-ENDING FILING CABINET IN THE SKY.”

And even if over-stretched officials had reviewed details of the plan, warns our source, they would have “laughed all the way to the King’s Head” at the idea the document summarises as “somehow using Science [sic]” to “MAKE THE CLOCKS RUN SLOWER in areas of London that out-of-towners use.”

The document argues that day-trippers would enjoy more time in “big shops like Harrods” and “get away quickly from rail stations” thanks to "a SPECIAL SYSTEM Stephen Hawking could sell to Dragon’s Den that works a bit like Wi-Fi and beams scientific instructions into the very FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE under Oxford Street."

Taxis are excluded from the transport details “because judging by their fares, London taxi drivers have already cracked the problem of somehow making clocks run slower than the rest of the country.” 

A spokesman we managed to track down in somewhere we’d never heard of said that the experts behind the plan have “REACTED CALMLY” to the news that bungling bureaucrats had probably lost their vital paperwork.

“Not that it matters anyway because it was only a STUPID IDEA,” said the spokesman, “but we haven’t got a copy either because the photocopier’s broken and the WORK-EXPERIENCE GIRL who knows how to work the type-writer screens [sic] isn’t in again till after her GCSEs.”